A Difficult Homecoming

My name is Jordan Manco. I am a U.S. Army Veteran, honorably discharged in June of 2023. I was deployed in combat operations in 2021 to North Eastern Syria. It was incredibly difficult and ultimately changed my life. After returning home like many others I was broken physically, mentally, emotionally. Upon returning home, my wife had filed for divorce and left to be with another man. My house was empty, and I was standing outside my front door—locked out with no key.

That was a hard day.

It was a lot to deal with all at once so I did the only thing I knew how to do—pretend I didn’t care, pretend my heart and life was not broken and soldier on. Only this time was different. 

Before, I could keep up the face, keep up appearances, and keep pretending I cared. But inside—and now physically outside—I was hurt badly.

I struggled to keep pace with the rapid changes in my physical, emotional, and mental state. Whether it was the stress from combat operations, my wife initiating the dissolution of our legal union, or coming home and not feeling like I thought I would I was forced to face the facts and did not feel equipped to handle reality.

My usual coping methods were not enough and I needed help.

Discovering Music Therapy Retreats

After searching for assistance, I found Mack Bailey and Music Therapy Retreats.

I was gifted the opportunity by Mack and his community to attend a Music Therapy Retreat in Aspen, Colorado. While there, I learned skills, techniques, and methods to help me process trauma, find relief, and ultimately reconnect with my self.  

This is my experience:

First, let me start by saying I am hoping to inspire and encourage you to consider this healing path should you feel called.

Mack’s clinical and evidence-based practice used music interventions to help me accomplish my goals of processing traumatic experiences that I felt were stuck inside me, negatively impacting my perspective and world view.

At the time of the retreat I was struggling with feelings of being emotionally numb among many other things. I couldn’t feel much. When a triggering event would occur, I would suffer from symptoms of post traumatic stress that came from life threatening experiences while deployed with the U.S. Army.

Thankfully, trained music therapists and staff assisted my processing and healing by creating a safe space where I was involved in songwriting, improvisation, listening and guided mental imagery, and performing the music that we created in front of a live audience. 

A little over a year has gone by since attending this Music Therapy Retreat and I have recently been invited to spend some time reflecting on the events that occurred and the following is what came up.

A Serene Setting for Healing

The retreat was hosted in a serene, nature-filled environment at a location called WindWalkers, high up in the Colorado Rocky mountains (an amazing organization that deserves its own essay). This was the backdrop I needed to feel some feelings that seemed to me to be as big as the Rocky Mountains themselves, a perfect backdrop of wide open expansive views for miles in every direction allowed for deep introspection and healing. 

Surrounded by the sounds of horses, friendly people, and birdsong, I felt an immediate sense of peace upon arrival. It seemed to me to be some kind of heaven. The exact opposite of the hell of harsh extreme desert conditions very commonly found in the areas I was serving in while overseas.

My group of facilitators and participants consisted of individuals from diverse backgrounds, but all seeking solace and connection through music. When I discovered that professional musicians had traveled from as far as Nashville Tennessee in order to attend, I was stunned.

Throughout the retreat, we engaged in various music therapy sessions led by skilled therapists. Each session was carefully crafted to encourage and allow emotional expression and connection.

Embracing Vulnerability

At the beginning of the music therapy, I was struggling with anxiety attacks and it personally became terrifying, because more emotion than I knew I was carrying started flowing out from deep inside of me that I had not processed from years of service. Feelings of grief, emotional / mental anguish, sorrow, defeat, loss, heart ache started bubbling to the surface and by the time I was half way through the retreat were pouring out. 

During and through out the retreat I was battling intense urges to fight, flee, or freeze, make up an excuse to leave, get away, anything but trust and be with the process.

Throughout the retreat experience, I felt incredibly strange sensations of inner changes taking place. If it was not for my facilitators guiding and encouraging me I probably would have ran out of there out of fear of losing emotional control. It was already impossible to feel, but to feel my feelings openly and honestly in front of others was a terrifying thought especially after combat stress and heart break. 

I felt safe enough to start opening up about some of my experiences and what I was feeling and it felt new to be so vulnerable, but at the end was so rewarding to be seen and heard.

A Life-Changing Songwriting Experience

One of the most impactful activities I experienced while at the retreat involved creating a group song. It was therapeutic how the facilitators and artists captured me and my story and shared it back to me. Because of this specific experience I felt I was able to reconnect and anchor into a part of my self that I had forgotten and was desperately trying to find.

For me this was the master lesson; reforming a healthy relationship with my self, my connection at the time of retreat felt almost non existent, rediscovering the person and identity that is me was so crucial.

This retreat totally shifted my perspective. Being seen, heard, and able to sing about feelings, experiences, and emotions that were confusing for me helped me internally process those very confusing and traumatic experiences.

As I collaborated with my facilitators, I felt walls I had built around my emotions begin to crumble. The act of creating music together fostered a sense of community and belonging that I had been missing since my time in service.

I recall during a personally difficult session at the retreat I was encouraged to focus on guided imagery and music. I was asked to close my eyes and visualize a safe space while soothing guitar played in the background. Something about the combination using my imagination and listening to beautiful music seemed to create a pathway inside of me. It ultimately allowed for blocked emotions to come through.

During a different session I was gifted my very own acoustic guitar and invited to participate in some exercises for relaxing breathing and music making. To receive such a gift I felt stunned and so humbled by Mack’s kindness. It was a very personal and personally spiritual experience.

Moving Forward

I felt like I was in a beautiful dream, and after facing so many nightmares, it gave me hope that goodness still exists in the world. It felt like some kind of heaven—a strange and surreal experience that kept challenging my view of a cruel and sick world, offering me undeniable evidence of kindness and hope that the world is still a safe place filled with good people who care.

This experience helped me to reconnect some wires internally that had been crossed or damaged.

This experience allowed me to confront some long-buried emotions like distrust, disappointment, loss and grief that came from experiencing some harsh realities during military service. 

The music seemed to guide me, helping me navigate through these strange and confusing feelings.

Finally, I emerged from the retreat and am still emerging from this experience feeling lighter and more connected to my true self, something I feel I gave up when I shaved my head and assumed a new identity in the U.S. Military. The identity of a warrior.

Finding Connection and Community

Going to this Music Therapy Retreat offered me a sense of something like a new beginning, a reconnection, kind of like jump-started my heart.

The connections I made with fellow participants and facilitators impacted me on a core level. Sharing our stories, struggles, and triumphs through music created bonds that felt sacred. 

We supported each other, cheering each other on during our performances and celebrating each other’s courage to be vulnerable in this safe retreat setting. Something that for me felt like the complete opposite from what I experienced in Military service for fear of a lack of military bearing or being vulnerable, losing self control, and expressing emotion that is not confidence and determination.

After this retreat and even now I felt and feel a need to reconnect with my self and others in healthy ways. To be in healthy relationships with self, others, and engaged in meaningful work.

The retreat indirectly highlighted for me the importance of community in the healing process.

Attending this retreat for me was an unexpected life-changing experience that opened my eyes to the therapeutic power of music, community, and the possibility of change. It taught me that music is not just an art form; it’s a universal language that can heal, connect, and transform. 

I am still a warrior, but now one who  has been guided to be reconciled to himself.

A Message to Others

If you feel stuck, closed off, isolated, emotionally numb, hardened to the point where you can’t seem to feel anymore then you have my permission to use me and my experience as a bridge if it helps you get to where you want to be.

This journey has been incredibly rewarding for me and If you’re seeking emotional healing, personal growth, or simply a deeper connection to yourself and others than please consider giving this a try.

Thank you for reading, and I hope my experience inspires you to explore the world of music therapy. It truly has the potential to unlock doors to healing you may have never known existed.

Very respectfully,

J. M., a Music Therapy Retreat Participant